"You are invited..."

 
…and yet another invitation... to a marriage reception of an ex. But this is not new to me. Even a couple of years back, this would have made me feel good about myself and about the world in general. The invite would be a proof of how well I had handled my break-ups even as a 16-year-old! But, no longer do I feel so unidimensional, so at peace with everything around me, so glad to have closed chapters (if they ever can be) and having emerged unscathed. The invitations are a nagging reminder that I may not have always done it the right way. They are a reminder of how closed chapters, when reopened, can be unnecessarily bothersome. They remind me that the cordial and civil way isn’t always the best. If having to spend all my salary over buying wedding gifts was not enough, my having been "nice" and "mature" after dumping (ouch…harsh choice of word, I know!) people in my past has paid off too [oxymoron alert!]. With everyone (sans a few) rushing to tie the knot AGES before me, I wonder if I will be left with any money to arrange my own wedding, which btw, is still unplanned… like everything about me. Ever since I have shrugged off a tiny bit of the I-am-so-happy-with-everything attitude, not all these invites make me happy! Maybe I, like most in my profession, or of my age, have gone a little cynical. Former invites I accepted as genuine extensions of friendly gestures; which were proof of ‘there is no more bitterness’! And boy was I glad! I even attended a few of these weddings, got gifts (for the bride of course), and was also guilty of secretly checking out this new woman, while being at my charming best! But this last invite got me thinking… Is this normal? Will I ever invite my former flames to my wedding? Of course I won’t! However, receiving these invites would surely make that a tad difficult. I mean, aren’t you supposed to invite those who had invited you to their D-day? And why do I keep receiving such invites from men (who once were boys, and were as silly as you expect boys to be), who once were oh-so-much in love with me? Is this their way of showing me they never cared? Or are they just being manly, and showing off? "Look what you missed girl…" is that what they seem to be saying? Or is it a way of reviving my belief in "nothing ever ends"? Maybe they are just being coldly-cordial with me, just the way I have been with them. Who knows…

Yesterday once more

Nostalgic! I didn’t feel nostalgic. I was in fact more annoyed. At those nameless faces. They were everywhere...like aliens suddenly dropping from the sky and entering our domain. Even claiming it as their own. I saw them loafing around near the Portico. Some were playing cricket near the canteen with funny seriousness. The ones sitting inside the canteen were the most annoying. Most looked through us, as if we were wisps of invisible cloud walking amongst the living. Those who looked...well stared! That made us feel like aliens. As if we were entering a zone, which though familiar to us, refused to acknowledge our past intimacy with it.

We had changed. TF’s professor failed to recognise him. This made me and R giggle. As TF tried establishing the fact that he was very much a student of the department, the professor looked at me and said: “Eke chinte perechi...amar student”, much to the agony of TF! (hahaha...I wanted to laugh)...but decided to look down at my shoes instead. This art learnt way back in school still is a saviour, I realised. TF and R protested together: “She was NOT from this department!”

The poor man. He was a little confused. He had always seen me with the boys (now men!) from his department. And since these ‘boys’ were hardly spotted in the classroom, me not attending classes in that department shouldn’t have appeared strange.

Well, TF rambled on... He wanted to collect a certificate or something. As Mr professor lectured him on how to get it, I stared at TF. He nodded his head from side to side, adding “okay okay” after each sentence delivered by the professor. Hands held together behind him, TF transported me seven years back. That is how we spoke to our teachers. Now an NRI, my dear friend was suddenly the young 20-something boy i knew, and me his giggly pigtailed friend. As I watched his face, I wanted to go over and hug him. For being a part of my growing up days. My college life. The best days that ever were. Sometimes...things last longer than you think. Like memories. Like friends.

Without you...

Without you, the colours have lost their lustre. Fireworks don't shine bright.
The 'dreamland' you built is just another room.
The tiny green lights you had put in my room have started flickering.

Without you, I seem to have lost direction.
You seem to have taken away my patience, my spirit, my love along with you.
You have filled me with void instead.

I seem to love, but not with ferocity. I seem to work, but not with passion.

I do carry on. But don't live my life.